Avatars and Affairs

Last week I spent a day attending a seminar on the topic of affairs in marriage. The seminar was for counselors and focused on influences that lead to affairs and how we can help couples who are trying to deal with an affair.  One of the topics was, “What Is An Affair?” High on many lists is sexual infidelity, and until fairly recent times, this would have been the definition. 

In our time, the definition of infidelity has changed a good bit and the simplest is the keeping of secrets in an intimate relationship. This keeping of secrets often has a strong emotional component, leading the non-sexual relationship to be labeled an “emotional affair.” The secrets may involve a person or not, and as you’ll see below, maybe a virtual person. Secrets are being kept in these emotional affairs, secrets that the unsuspecting spouse would be stunned to learn.  Today, when we can text, tweet, and email, and largely avoid face to face interactions if we wish, boundaries are easily crossed and secrets are easily kept. In my very limited practice in retirement, I’ve had more than one couple who presented with an emotional affair made possible by Facebook, texts, and tweets.

In January attending another conference, this time on sexual addiction, I learned there is a website onto which one can log and join. The requirements, besides a credit card--must be married and wanting to have an affair.

Another shocking revelation had to do with online games. There is one in which players create an avatar and live in a virtual world doing all the real world kinds of things: earning money, building things, and the stunner--having virtual sex with another avatar. I’m guessing both of these fall into the category of something kept secret from a spouse.

So why is this in Theological Musings? I’ve become very interested in addictions of all kinds recently. One core theory of addiction is the addict, is using in order to dull the pain, anxiety, frustration, even guilt that rests at the core of many lives. There is an existential “hole” inside that the person tries to fill up by over eating, shopping, substance abuse, sex and emotional invulnerability to name a few practices. I’m pretty sure the virtual world falls into the same category, especially since people may play the game for 15-20 hours a week!

As the Palmist says, “As a deer longs for the flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O God.” (Psalm 42) What is it with so many in our society that rather than longing for the flowing streams, keeps them content to drink at stagnant pools? Why the deep pain and why the wrong solution? More pointedly, what is the Church’s response to this growing phenomenon? Closer to home, what is our individual response?

Peace in a fretful world,

Jerry